Steps of Faith

   I’ve learned an abundance of God’s heart and stewarding His voice over my time in Turkey. As I mentioned in my previous blog, we had to be very intentional about asking God what’s next. Seeking His fresh manna daily. As silly as this sounds, I never considered that those same steps are what He asks of us when He offers a longer term invitation of partnership. He walked us through a deep and long journey of obedience, and how sometimes the door might close to His invitation, when steps of faith aren’t taken.

   Let me take you back to the last night that our full team of 8 was in Bergama. (Check out my last blog if you haven’t yet) As we took some time as a team, to ask the Lord what’s next, He spoke clearly to me. I remember the moment (as I type right now) as if it was just a few minutes ago…. We all sat in pure silence. I was thinking through the things I felt God had laid upon my heart, even since we talked about Turkey a few weeks ago. I tried sorting through thoughts and how anything even made sense at this point. As I simply paused to ask God what HE says about everything, all my thoughts grew completely silent and empty, giving Him space to speak. God spoke clearly shortly after… “Emma, Nick, Skylar. Pergamum” I was a little surprised and continued to sit in silence to see if confirmation was coming. As my mind was still blank, I heard His voice, as clear as ever, say “50 days”. I immediately, physically made a face as I would to a friend who just told me something I was shocked about. Sitting in surprise I asked Him what that means but as I continued sitting, my mind stayed blank until our time of silence came to an end. I wrestled if I should share or not but as the night grew late, we decided to continue this in the morning. I took a minute before headed to bed, in an attempt to make sense of this all. Logically, I looked at my calender and to my surprise I found that, excluding our debrief dates and a few extra travel days, we had almost exactly 50 days left on the field. That would mean not going to Africa but coincidence?? I don’t believe in coincidences, personally. I talked it over with a teammate privately and we agreed if this is a word the Lord has truly spoken, it will come to fruition without me forcing anything.

   As we continued our meeting the next morning, it was evident that the first words the Lord spoke about who and where, were growing clear among others hearts without me even sharing yet. In this small team of 8, we had 2 different visions moving forward. While the 3 names God spoke and myself had a stronger inclination to stay stationary in this city, the other 4 felt clear direction to proceed unto the 7 churches. As our discussion was coming to a close, it was laid upon my heart to share not only the words He spoke about who and where but also how long. Very hesitantly, I stepped out in boldness to share what I truly believe His voice had told me last night. It was confirmation of the decision we were growing closer to for splitting this team, but the 50 days was a big question mark for everyone… besides it perfectly lining up with our time left on the field of course.

   We made the official decision to split into these groups. Emma, Nick, Skylar and I said goodbye to the other half of our team who were headed towards finishing the journey of the 7 churches. I knew that the first half of what I believe God spoke were truly from Him, considering how everything worked out with ease. My heart was so sure He would simply work out the other half as He did before, once again. Going forward, nobody forgot about the “50 days” and we commonly joked about it when asked how long we were staying. I wrestled deeply with what this “50 days” meant and if the Lord had spoken it for now or later. I mean, I do have my whole life ahead of me, Lord willing. It seemed like an uphill climb to actually stay in Bergama, mainly because I had seen no more action on God’s side leading us there for right now. My team stayed fervent in asking God daily for direction and His fresh Manna but I see now, we didn’t give Him space to speak into what the longer term could even look like. As mentioned in my last blog, once we finished our time as a small team, we headed to Istanbul for our debrief. By that time we had spent only 9 days in Bergama…. Far from 50. I concluded in my own understanding, that this word from God was left for a different season of life. It simply made sense and was easier to just be aware of this tug on my heart but not act on it.

   As we spent time debriefing and preparing our hearts for this new season, I was asking God for vision and words for our next country. Even in my silent mind this time, no words were filled by God’s gentle, yet clear voice…. only silence. My heart was still longing for this 50 days to come to completion in this season and be re-united with the family we had left in Bergama and surrounding cities. I’ve never felt so drawn to a city, so this truly was a wrestle that my heart was deeply invested in. I kept repeating, to my own thoughts of sharing, that I don’t have to force because God will simply make a way for whenever these words are for. Faith in His works, not mine, right?!

   I don’t remember exactly when or why but Skylar and I came together and realized our hearts were in this together, longing to see God work more in this city we had to say goodbye to. We continued to agree that God would simply work it all out and continued to pray for a door to be opened. I even had a dream that some people stayed in Turkey with very specific details and people involved. I wasn’t sure if it was my own thoughts or from the Lord though. A few days in, we put out the idea of staying in Turkey to our mentor, testing the waters, and she explained that if we truly wanted to stay, we could put a proposal into the organization to be approved… but that it takes time… which at this point we don’t have much of. Our flight was 3 days away. So Sky and I simply stayed fervent in prayer. When it came down to the day our squad was discussing plans for Northern Africa it was on our hearts deeply to bring up the possibility of staying. I was reminded of my dream when a person on our squad brought up a concern. In my dream the night prior, that same person had brought up similar concerns but for Turkey. Again, I don’t believe in coincidences but we continued to be so sure that it wouldn’t be by our works this door was opened, so we stayed silent.

   The next evening, 2 days before getting on a flight for Northern Africa, we were doing worship as a squad. As I was praying about why Bergama was STILL being laid upon my heart, I asked God if this 50 days was truly for later. I was prompted to see how many days was left for us if we didn’t go to Northern Africa. Later that evening, to my surprise, taking out 1 travel day to get to Bergama and 1 travel day to reunite with the squad, we had 41 days left on the field…. 41 days!!!! We had spent 9 days, previously in Bergama, by simply following what God had for us daily and following the doors He opened. I had no clue this is what everything added up to until that moment. This was the confirmation I was seeking for all along but didn’t ask for earlier. It was there the whole time!!! Sky and I sought outside wisdom and were prompted to take action. The more we sat with it, the more we understood that our motives for keeping silent may have gone beyond trusting God would take care of it. Neither one of us wanted to be the one to make it a serious conversation because keeping it as a joke was simply easy. We were convicted for the fear of man captivating our hearts more so than the words of God. I wonder how many times we label fear, as faith, simply to have an excuse not to take the hard steps God is asking of us. We were reminded how Peter had to take a literal step of faith to walk on water. If He had simply trusted God would do everything and stayed stationary, he wouldn’t have given God the opportunity to move. He would not have walked on water if he didn’t take a step. We see this as a common theme in the Bible actually. God does require partnership on our part to move because if He didn’t, that wouldn’t be free will.

   So, despite it being 11pm, we decided to take action… we wanted to be obedient by taking steps and laying down fear. We talked to our mentor, explaining our hearts and convictions before asking if there is anything we can do. She graciously explained that by not taking steps after a word from God, sometimes the invitation of walking through that door closes. Honestly, that was hard to hear. She said she would be happy to help us see if the door could possibly open but also explained there are steps that need to be taken, in which we simply may not have time for. We were quickly corrected that by simply taking action on a word we believe is from the Lord, it is not forcing a door open at all. That is a lie I was believing to hold me back from taking action. God does the hard work, He just needs our small steps of obedience. Without even discussing, we both decided in our hearts, we were going to do all we can. Late obedience is still obedience.

   We took a minute to review all the steps needed to possibly squeeze through this closing door. This included a proposal for a change in route, 2+ others willing to stay, and approvals from people back in Georgia! We didn’t put it past God but did question if this was going to be a lesson of obedience we may need to learn the hard way. Despite the wonder, we took a moment to pray and ask God to open this door and to ask about who the other 2 people might possible be. As we sat in silence, He put some similar names into our minds… 4 people to be exact. We split up, as time was running out. Sky wrote out the proposal and I went to talk to the 4 people who came to mind. Teamwork at its finest! As to be expected, almost everyone needed the night / next day to pray about if this is something God had for them. It came down to the day before our flight at this point. We sent in the proposal already and got a few answers from people. God was stirring the hearts of our friends who hadn’t even gone, just by hearing our hearts for it. The people we talked to, almost all realized that God never gave them specifics on Northern Africa or even where they should go, leaving them with open hearts to join our team. We got all 4 answers, 2 being no, 2 being yes! That meant we got our team of 4, including Sky and I! As the day closed, we continued to intercede, hoping and praying God would graciously let us walk this out by His divine hand in the timing of this proposal.

    As we were simply waiting on answers from the other side of the world and interceding on behalf of this all, it was coming down to the last moments we had before headed to the airport. We found out one of our people couldn’t go due to fundraising unfortunetly. The door seemed to be almost fully closed with no shot of walking through, but we still believed God could work with just 3 of us. In the waiting, God continued to make everything abundently clear… His word, the timing, the closing door, the dream… everything. As I got breakfast with one of my teammates the morning of our flight, she asked if she had told me what God told her during our meeting for Northern Africa the other day. Confused and curious, I said no. She said as she was praying into teams for Africa, God spoke “All squad for those going to Africa”. I was taken back, not only at the comfirmation that God did have something for us in Turkey, but also in the fact that if one of us had spoken up about Turkey in that meeting, she would have shared and comfirmed to the whole squad that all of this is of the Lord. In that same dream I mentioned earlier, she was another specific person. She was helping us move our bags to stay in Turkey, which makes sense because the words God spoke to her would have very clearly helped us stay in Turkey. I see His hand through the open hearts of others to stay, comfirming His original words through new words to our teamates, dreams and visions, speaking 50 days in the begininng and preserving that exact number of days for the city He spoke. The door was there all along but our steps of action simply were not.

   As time came to a close, our mentor sent us a final text, telling us we were simply too late in the game. Some people from Georgia answered but didn’t feel comfortable giving their yes with such little information. All of this along with time zone differences, they didn’t have time to discuss further, therefore telling us we must stick to the current plan of Africa. This was a hard reality to let sink in, due to even the new information I had about God speaking, from just a few hours prior. I didn’t fully believe God wouldn’t make a way until the moment we checked our bags and got our tickets… but we did check our bags and get our tickets and it became real and final. I sat with the Lord in question of why He didn’t make a way when He so easily could have. He reminded me that He cares so deeply for all of His children involved and that He had a view of the big picture when I simply don’t. I can’t see how staying last minute would have affected the rest of our squad, let alone anyone else involved. He also reminded me the weight of His word and this lesson would not be the same if He gave us exactly what we wanted. “ My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by Him. For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives.” – Hebrew 4:12

   I thank Him for being a loving Father to everyone involved and for loving us enough to give us discipline/ not exactly what we want or pray for. His words hold weight and that’s something I can honestly look back on and say I held lightly. If Noah didn’t build a boat when God told Him to, despite losing friends and being made fun of, we wouldn’t be here. That’s just one example but as mentioned earlier, steps DO fall on us to partner with the Lord and if it’s a word from God, I don’t want to be someone to hold that lightly. I would rather be caught taking steps of faith and making a fool of myself over being timid. I finally processed the fact we were leaving Turkey, the family we made there, and entering into a new season right before getting on our flight. He is so kind to meet us in our hurt. He doesn’t look down in condemnation and harsh words with the should have’s and could have’s… no. He sits besides us, mourns over the hurt with us, and catches our tears to use them towards a new and beautiful picture. He still has something good for me in Africa because He doesn’t withhold, despite anything I do or don’t do. Because He is a good Father, everything He says about me remains true.

   The words He speaks, don’t return void and He uses them to their full extent. (Isaiah 55:11) I’m excited to continue to see how He uses this word for His glory and bings it to fruition in ways I don’t understand yet. I miss our friends in Pergamum but thank God for using this to draw me closer to His heart and teach me not to hold His words lightly.